OT: Random Image from Flickr

I came across this image on flickr. It made me laugh for some reason ...



;)

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OT: Anguished English

I came across this book today and it gave me quite a chuckle.

Anguished English: An Anthology of Accidental Assaults Upon the English Language

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OT: Lame error messages

So I was having fun, trying to break things, and came across a lame excuse only a computer could get away with:

com.mysql.jdbc.exceptions.MySQLSyntaxErrorException: memory exhausted.

I can see it now: "Sorry Boss-man. No can do. Geez, my memory is exhausted. I need time to relax, recharge, reboot. Check back with me tomorrow."

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OT: ColdFusion Trials (Let's Do The Time Warp Again)

I was checking my "trials" email folder the other day and these messages gave me a chuckle. That and the fact that I received a "Your ColdFusion 9 trial starts now" message, before my download had even finished! Can you spot what is wrong here?

Yes... I did download the ColdFusion 9 Trial previously. But it still made me laugh ;)

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OT: NOT Meme(me)

Rey Bango posted a recent entry called "Meme(me)" that gave me a chuckle. Now I know what you are thinking .. but the funny part was not the pictures. It was some of the comments:

".. careful w/ those bag monsters. They're dangerous!"
- Rey Bango

"There are enough horrible images available on the web- I don't think it needs pictures of me making things worse. :)"
- Mark Osbun

"Oh my-- cheesy E-mail fowards just met the blogosphere. :)"
- Brad Wood

(I am with Mark on this one ;)

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OT: If only there had been some clue

Hardly a week goes by without seeing a question that starts with "My query is not returning the right results..." and ends with ".. Oh yeah, and the values in the ColumnXYZ are a list like 1,5,6,18,97. So can anyone tell me why my query does not work?".

{Sigh} The question inevitably elicits a slew of responses about proper database modeling and normalization. Followed by a predictable set of responses from the OP. In confusion they ask "what do you mean by junction table?" Then in disbelief: "how can creating more tables and more records be better?".

You know ... it is almost as if they think you are trying to trick them. As if the fact that they already spent the better part of two hours, working on a single a query, was not clue enough that maybe .. just maybe.. they were headed down the wrong path.

Usually after a few well worded explanations, most are ready to be "saved" and embark on the higher path to database enlightenment. I am a convert myself. But occasionally you run across a true die-hard disbeliever. They scoff at the mere idea of database modeling. Standing unrepentant (and unfortunately .. very vocal) in their ignorance. I suspect they have business cards and t-shirts emblazoned with their name and title:

John Smith, CEO
Ignorance Incorporated
- "Fighting knowledge since 1975"

We all go through periods of ignorance. I am certainly no exception. But it should be a transitory state. Not fervently embraced as a way of life. But for those resolute souls out there, proudly donning their t-shirts and handing out business cards, I can only respond with this bit of absurdity:

Why does your query not work? Because you have angered the database gods. They are powerful, capricious and vengeful. Unfortunately you are now the object of their wrath. They have forever cursed you in punishment for your poor and unworthy database offering. You will spend eternity in database hell, designing increasingly complex queries only a contortionist could admire. Queries that will execute at an agonizingly slow pace. Some will run eternally, never returning results. While others will occasionally drop records or include seemingly unrelated records for no reason you can detect.

Abandon hope. You are doomed. When you reach the gates of database hell, think twice before offering explanations like "my boss prefers it this way" or "changing it was too complicated". The gatekeepers have already heard those cries from other unfortunate residents. Repeating such excuses will only enrage them further.

As you are sitting in your cell, writing queries of infinite complexity, think back to the two hours you spent struggling with that first query. That was the harbinger of this moment.

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OT: Go Wish!

So I went to submit a wish/bug report and I noticed the url had had changed. The current one is:

http://www.adobe.com/cfusion/mmform/index.cfm?name=wishform

Now I have to admit, I always got a kick out of the old one:

http://www.adobe.com/go/wish/

There was a silly part of my brain that got a little creative with that particular url:

Developer: I would like to request an enhancement.
Response: Yeah.. right (chuckle) . Go wish!

It also reminded me of a children's card game called go fish

Developer: Got any bugs?
Response: Go Fish!

Incredibly silly of me, I know. But I am really sorry they changed it. I will miss the chuckle I used to get every time I saw it ;)

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OT: Why I refuse to prefix table names with "tbl"

I have been a bit busy lately and have not had much time to blog. But I came across a post today that reminded me of one of my firm rules. The post topic was naming conventions, and one of the conventions discussed was prefixing table names with "tbl". Now generally I prefer not to prefix variable and object names that way. I find it redundant, but I am not militant about the subject.

But I do remember seeing a post some time ago in which the asker used both a prefix and suffix. So their full table name was tblCustomerTable. Now, all stylistic preferences aside, I absolutely refuse to do that. Why? Because it might require me to have a conversation, in front of actual people, where I found myself uttering the words ".. and then do a select on the table customer table table". Say that three times fast. Can you imagine if the entire schema were like that? A minute or two of hearing ridiculous phrases like that and the entire room would start snickering. A minute after that I doubt even I could keep a straight face.

If I am ever unfortunate enough to work with such a schema, I can only hope all conversations take place via conference call .. and that everyone's mute button is working ;)

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